Rafa turns 10

by Tanya Monteiro on 04/03/2019

01 April is Rafa’s birthday. It always gets me thinking about my longest standing relationships. Rafa (excluding my Dad and some very good male friends) is my longest close male relationship. 10 years living together, in my world is a record.

It also got me to reflect on how he came into my life.

Growing up on a farm I always had dogs, many of them, so it’s no surprise that as an adult I longed, for years, to have my own dog again. But I travelled so much I kept putting it off.

Then one day on 01 April 2009, I was walking on Guincho beach with a friend and her dog and yet again, saying how I longed to have a dog again. When my friend, Karen Price said just do it! You’ll figure out the logistics as you go along. And so I did.

We went to meet Rafa that day or the next and six weeks later he was living with me. We’ve figured it out since, between 3 Countries and many many travels, it has been a pleasure and responsibility I very much needed in my life.

So, if by any chance you are reading this blog post and you’ve wanted to do something that required commitment and responsibility but you keep putting it off, this is your message to go do it and trust that you will figure it out as you go along.

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Just a great song

by Tanya Monteiro on 04/02/2019

My aunt Deolinda introduced me to this amazing song about 3 years ago. Whether you understand Portuguese or not I hope you love it as much as I do.

Music is and was by far one of the most important pillars in my healing. It continues to evoke so many emotions in me. It helps me calm down, speed up and some days it just makes everything ok.

The female singer is Sophie Charlotte, a famous telenovela actress in Brazil. She wrote a card to Roberto Carlos asking if he would allow her to sing this song on her telenovela, he said yes, but he also asked her to sing it with him at this concert. Such a cute story too.

Roberto Carlos & Sophie Charlotte – Sua Estupidez (2014) from Roberto Carlos (O Rei) on Vimeo.

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Brene Brown Chase Jarvis

by Tanya Monteiro on 04/01/2019

Chase Jarvis talked to Brene Brown in May 2016, this interview had a big impact on me, so I watched it again over the weekend.

They talk about how hard it is to understand vulnerability. In our world very often Vulnerability = Weakness, we think it’s not worth the risk or the criticism.

They also talk about creatives, how they have to get up and do every single day regardless of the critics.

This idea that you are either brave or afraid is bullshit, we are brave and afraid at the exact same time. Living in the arena means getting our ass kicked, living through the hurt, the pain and getting up and being brave once again.

“When we stop caring what people think we loose our capacity for connection, when we are defined what people think we loose the courage to be vulnerable.”

Vulnerability at work, it’s the first thing I look for when I hire you and the last thing I want you to see of me. You can be vulnerable but not too vulnerable, its like saying you can be healthy but not too healthy.

Guilt = I did a bad thing
Shame = I am bad a bad person
(Learn this by heart)

Another important point made is watching out for Compliments ‘bathed’ in passive aggressiveness. For example….. “wow, I didn’t know you were so sensitive I’m so sorry.” Very subtle but very powerful.

Creativity is the way to learn how to get something to travel from the head to the heart to the hands. Cultivate creativity, Whole hearted living. 

Creativity is the new literacy, there is no creativity without vulnerable, that’s part of the creative process

We share with people who earned the right to hear our story.

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Don’t look away

by Tanya Monteiro on 03/28/2019

Over the weekend Brene Brown wrote about a lesson she learnt from her mother – don’t look away from peoples pain.

Don’t look away, Don’t look down,
Don’t pretend not to see hurt.
Look people in the eye.
Even when their pain is overwhelming.

And when you are in pain, find the people that can look you in the eye.

Living back in South Africa I’m often faced with the option to look away or ignore and while I obviously cannot give every one money, food or some kind of help, I can look them in the eye with compassion.

I won’t look away, even when I experience moments I’d rather run from, I’m trying to learn to feel it and deal with it anyway.

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Bossy vs Leader

by Tanya Monteiro on 03/27/2019

A few years ago I took on a three month contract that was just terrible.

The details aren’t that important and I actually learnt a great deal about myself and my own boundaries in that position but what has dawned on me with time is that I doubt I would have had the same terrible experience if I’d been a man. Worse, is that, it was women who under pinned the drama and more women who fueled the fire in this experience.

‘I’m not bossy I just have leadership skills’ is really a simple quote that I often keep in mind. It’s not to say that some people are not bossy, there are lots and we are all probably bossy at times but more often than not women who lead in an environment that is not used to women leading are often mistaken for bossy.

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Z Hotel Group

by Tanya Monteiro on 03/26/2019

On our last trip to London we stayed in the heart of the west end and shopping district.

The Z Hotel Group prides themselves on providing exceptional locations and unique properties. I’d add that their service both, during our stay and online when asking for my invoice was hassle free, fast and nothing was too much for them. (A complete contrast to another hotel we stayed at 2 weeks prior, I’m still waiting on them to send me my invoice almost 2 months later.)

Our Room at the Z Hotel Tottenham Court Road

The rooms are small so if you’re 6 foot tall and there’s two of you this might not be your spot but it suited us perfectly and would also be perfect for one person.

Everything is new, at least in the Z Hotel Tottenham Court Road. They opened their doors July 2017 but you can see the attention to detail is faultless. The lights and blinds are controlled electronically. The room was silent and we had a great view of the city. Even their linen was up to scratch.

Word of warning, not all rooms are made equal here so you do need to make sure to book a Queen room. Some of the double rooms don’t have windows which is simply a NO for me, EVER! But like all things the good ones are great.

Room Tips: I always like staying on the top floor, having noise above me drives me crazy. This is room was #809 but you can stay in any of the Queen rooms on any of the floors, just stick to room numbers that end in #05 or #06.

From Heathrow we took the Piccadilly Line tube to Piccadilly Circus. It’s one line (important if you have luggage) and super easy but allow 45 mins to an hour for the journey. Then it’s a 8/10 min walk. Once at the hotel Oxford Circus is probably closer but we landed up walking to most of what we wanted to see.

Bonus: Every afternoon they have wine tasting accompanied by incredible cheeses. The staff could not do enough and their knowledge of the wines was impressive.

Take a look at their website for rates, it does depend on the night and of course what’s going on in London. We averaged each night at about 100.00 pounds.

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Alanis Morrisette – interview

by Tanya Monteiro on 03/25/2019

Alanis and her twin brother, Jeremiah were born on 01 June 1974, (my birthday twins). Despite Alanis’s enormous success she felt isolated and alone, always searching for deeper meaning and purpose.

Through her music Alanis articulates so well so many different human emotions but despite this ‘gift’ Alanis had no sense of self. From the outside she looked robust but on the inside she was traumatized. Turns out the very very thing she wanted traumatize her, isn’t that so often the case.

In this interview Alanis discusses becoming comfortable with pain, avoiding living in the future and running from pain and knowing where the portal’s are so she could get to the other side of her pain.

Eventually she got to a point where she hated her own lying! So she tried to get to the bottom where there is no lie left. I just love that phrase!

Fame became a big magnifying glass, her self-doubt was amplified. Repeating patterns and pain eventually lead her to realise she was addicted to food, work and love.

Keeping the love you find A book by the author Harvel Henricks opened her eyes to healthy love, participation in both of you healing. Describing the stages of development in relationships, each taking five to seven years. Stage 1) Romantic love Stage 2) Battle for power 3) Healing space

Hungry for healing Alanis eventually figured out that the real work is staying in it, in the ordinary sweet mundane. That happiness is a state that is temporary.

There’s so much I love about this and so much I relate to in who I am as a person but by far the most important element is her reference to the importance of connection. Connection to self, to god and to ourselves.

Here’s the full podcast version, sadly I was no longer able to find the full video version.

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Can you shoot a person who has abused your child?

by Tanya Monteiro on 03/21/2019

A salesman and loving father snapped at the magnitude of what happened to his son who was sexually assaulted by his karate instructor, Jeffrey Doucet.

On Friday, March 16, 1984, while authorities were escorting Jeffrey Doucet through the airport a man lifted his gun out of nowhere and shot Doucet at point blank range.

That man turned out to be Gary Plauche, the farther of the boy who was sexually abused. The judicial system exercised leniency with Gary Plauche by giving him a suspended sentence and probation. He didn’t spend one night in prison for what he did.

I can’t help but wonder, 25 years on if this father would “get away” with it now. But then, what is getting away with it? Why do some people react the way this farther did? What is the right punishment for those who sexually abuse other humans?

These questions are constantly on my mind. I feel certain that if we could find a right punishment allot more abused people would be able to accept and move on and allot more perpatrotors would be able to take accountability for there actions and move on.

But, we’re stuck when we find out about these secrets. Families, friends, authorities, all not quite knowing what to do next. I think it’s half the reason it’s not spoken about or it gets avoided, but we have to talk, we have to keep asking the difficult questions.

Can you shoot a person who has abused your child?

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Unthought Known

by Tanya Monteiro on 03/20/2019

Can’t recall which podcast I heard this phrase but it’s been bounding around in my mind for weeks – The unthought known.

To me it goes a long way in describing what we think but don’t have words for, or what we don’t think but do feel, and still don’t have words for.

As I started to search for more information I came across a Perl Jam song with the same title and was struck by these words.

“All the thoughts you never see
You are always thinking”

I’m a long way off thinking this through fully but I’m sharing it cause it’s so profound to me. For most of my childhood I did not have words for my feelings, I still find it hard but I just love it when I learn something that describes what I’ve not been able to describe simply.

Here’s that Perl Jam song;

And the Wiki description of “Unknown known”

Unthought known – “It’s is a phrase coined by Christopher Bollas in the 1980s to represent those experiences in some way known to the individual, but about which the individual is unable to think.”

“At its most compelling, the unthought known stands for those early schemata for interpreting the object world that preconsciously determine our subsequent life expectations.[1] In this sense, the unthought known refers to preverbal, unschematised early experience/trauma that may determine one’s behaviour unconsciously, barred to conscious thought.[2]

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Mega Cities by 2100

by Tanya Monteiro on 03/19/2019

It excites me no end to see how technology is leveling the playing fields and how smart companies can really expand their business’s by taking into consideration markets that were much harder to reach not so long ago.

This short video shows the world’s population centers are shifting rapidly. By the year 2100, it is projected that there will be multiple megacities with more than 70 million people – 2x the size of modern day Tokyo. The catch is you’ve likely never heard of many of these cities.

Finally, Africa can really catch up if it wants to.

Data: The Global Cities Institute

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