Are you surviving or are you thriving?

A long time ago I watched a programme with Aleesha Barlow and the difficlut relationship she had with her mother. It struck me to my core and I sent Aleesha an email. It was only when I got an email back from Aleesha very recently that I remembered I had sent that message to her over a year ago. Funny how life works!

If there is one thing I wish to share with people it’s to talk early and talk often. The layers of abuse are far more than an onion and the silence surrounding it, in my opinion, causes the many layers to form in the first place.

Through Aleesha’s work with #tellsomebody I’ve been reminded of how important this work is and how easy it is to just keep quite. 

I’ve included some information below on Aleesha’s story and her children’s book Tell Somebody; Volume 1 which I think is particularly important. If we can learn to talk early and talk often mabye we can help stop these cycles of abuse that so often perpetuate from one generation to the next. 

“Aleesha Barlow was molested by her maternal grandfather when she was a child. At age 6, she told her mom and her two aunts, that their dad was touching her inappropriately. They made her promise not to tell anyone, especially the police, and her own father. They told Aleesha not to worry, and that they would make sure her grandfather would stop. They promised that they would send him to jail if it continued. Aleesha did not tell anyone, and the molestation continued. 20 Years Later, Aleesha created Tell Somebody Inc., an organization that works toward ending child abuse of any kind. Telling her dad and the world her story was the biggest step of Aleesha’s life! The Tell Somebody movement is bringing awareness to parents that molestation does happen. 95% of molestation happens by a family member or close friend, so talk to your children, please! Tell somebody is about giving strength to all survivors, to tell your story so you can heal, no matter how long it’s been, it’s time to seek therapy or counseling. It’s time to tell somebody, and if that doesn’t work, tell somebody else. We are survivors, which means we are warriors, and means we are strong. You are strong!

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It’s been a long time since I’ve watched a movie that describes a family dynamic that is common, complicated and often a hotbed for disfunction.

What a surprise it was to me to watch this 1982 Drama about a father having sex with his daughter and the many repercussions of telling the truth.

There’s no doubt in my mind that so very often sexual abuse continues, especially within a family unit, when silence is upheld. Sadly, a lot of the time people don’t even realise they are being silent about something.

The performances in this movie but ALL the actors has me thinking about it non stop for days. Credit to the producers and everyone involved in making this movie, 37 years later and still this type of story is happening all the time. (clearly, this never tarnished Ted Danson or Glen Closes careers)

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While buying a gift for a friend this weekend I was struck by the music in the store, I stayed longer than I needed to listen. Then this song came on and I had to ask the guy helping us is it was Micheal Jackson, he laughed and said no he’s a local guy.

Ricardo Groenewald was a huge hit in South Africa in the ’80s. Sadly there’s no wiki page on him but from the little available online, it seems Ricardo got his first hit at 8 years old.

He was born in the Eastern Cape town of Humansdorp. Where his father spotting his son’s singing talent early, moved the family to Joburg by the time he had started school.

His hit song “I love you Daddy” was released in 1987 and it catapulted him into a badly managed career and life, he left school in Standard 5 and never went back. At 18 he performed with Stevie Wonder in Japan but his hit was fading into memory and Ricardo’s drug and alcohol abuse took over as it so often does when money and fame come early.

He moved to Cape Town where he spent his last 21 years, making eight other albums and became a proud “man of God”.

Having been ‘pushed’ into music it landed up being the only thing he felt he knew how to do and he spent a lot of time before his death in November 2015 (age 43) advising younger musicians on how to take care of themselves. A very similar trajectory to Michael Jackson after all.

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Watching Norte Dame go up in flames last night really made me sad. 856 years it’s been standing strong, that’s many generations of families enjoying it’s magnificence.

When I did a bit of research about its history and how it came to be, I was inspired to read that France has rebuilt it’s iconic cathedral before. Notre Dame has endured ill-advised remodeling, revolutionary ransacking, and pollution-induced decay. Hitler once had it slated for demolition.

In the early 1800s, Notre Dame was half-ruined when a writer used the crumbling structure as the setting for one of his greatest works, setting in motion a rescue operation nearly as grand as its original construction. That book was “The hunchback of Norte Dame”.

The first stone of the cathedral was laid in 1163 in the presence of Pope Alexander III. The altar was finished about 20 years later and the two towers were constructed between 1225 and 1250, and the entire cathedral was completed in 1345.

During the reign of Louis XIV (1643-1715), Notre Dame underwent a rather unfortunate renovation. Then the French Revolution era was even worse for it. It was seized by revolutionaries and dozens of statues were destroyed.

It was only after the success of “The hunch back of Notre Dame” that people suddenly cared about the eyesore on an island in the middle of Paris.

Restoration projects have continued over the years. Another had just begun this month.

“In the Middle Ages, you would’ve believed that God sent the fire because God wanted a better cathedral. But you can’t hope for a better cathedral at this point. The question is, how on earth are we going to find the resources to rebuild this one.”

Somehow I know that this “symphony of stone” (Victor Hugo) will rise again and in doing so it will unite us all because this global jewel stands for human innovation, faith and creativity.

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Part of my healing journey has been learning to re-educate myself. Giving the small tanya a chance to rewire those connections that were selfdestructive. So, very often I listen to someone speak or read something and I know that’s me re-educating myself.

But learning to unlearn and re-learn is harder than learning it the first time round, so if I had kids I’d encourage them to listen to this TED talk and talk with them as much as they’d let me about Maisie Williams insecurities. This way they’d not feel like I was interrogating them and they can tell me all about someone else when in fact they would be telling me about themselves.

These are the values I’d repeat at nausim.

• Trust that your good enough
• Ask stupid questions
• Refuse to hold yourself back
• Dare to dream big
• Learn to feel on the inside

I’ve included the short 16-minute TED talk video because Maisie Williams tells the story of her ordinary life in such a succinct inspiring way. She also grew up with the internet and knows nothing else so her new venture the APP called DAISIE is something worth keeping an eye on. (watch the video)

With no formal qualification to her name, Maisie, in my opinion, is the future. She represents harnessing our insecurities and self doubt to keep remembering that we are ALL perfect for something.

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