Weather you call it a secret or dirty laundry my guess is that almost all families have a little of this ‘tag line’ in their lives.
“In cases where the father, stepfather or other close family member is the abuser, what happens to the other family members in these situations?”
This is a question most prefer not to ask but in my case I’ve had no choice, it’s the core reason I did a little and not allot for a long long time. This article is so well articulated I had to share an expert of it. Finding words to express my feelings or thoughts has been one of the most challenging aspect to my life so far and till I can find a better way to describe this delicate core, I will continue to share others words to bring light where it needs to shine.
‘Most “non-offending” parents will quickly tell you that they were unaware of any inappropriate sexual activity within the home. Is this the truth or do these non-offenders also slip into denial? Is it a coping style for them also? What is the purpose of denial in these family situations? How does one begin to break out of the darkness that is created by denial? These are all questions that I hope to answer in this article.
Sadly, that burden is placed upon nearly every abuse victim. It is one of the commonalities of abuse. Most of us learn our lessons well and keep the secret for decades.
Group leaders helped me to see the truth in situations that I faced. I simply could not afford to run back into the safety of denial in order to keep my family happy. I had to keep pushing my way out of that darkness, no matter how my family chose to respond to me. I had to make the choice for myself.
Emotions become shut down, no one really “feels” (to me this is the absolute core of abuse of any kind, we get so good at shutting off it can take a very very long time to reconnect with our own true feelings)
Denial allows abuse to continue passing from one generation to another until someone begins to find the courage and boldness to speak out
Coming out of denial can be quite traumatic. “At first the truth was shocking, but no one in my family denied it (the abuse). It’s not that they had knowledge of it before I spoke about it, but when they put the pieces together, it all made sense to them.”
The day and time we grew up in was so different than now. No one spoke openly about abuse of any kind and there were few treatment facilities available to help anyone who had suffered from this type of childhood. Society just wasn’t ready to deal with incest or any other type of sexual abuse, rape, and repeated molestation of its children. Fortunately, those days are gone. (We have come a long way, but we still have a very long way to go!)
One of the main avenues I have used to break free from denial is right here before your eyes; the words on the page. I write and write and write.”
(And thank goodness Vicki Messer writes and writes and writes. Now I’m going to write a letter to her and say Thank you, every word counts.)