Sue Monk Kidd Interview with Oprah

by Tanya Monteiro on 08/07/2014

Many years ago now, almost 10, I was sitting in my office overlooking the statue of liberty knowing I needed to find my place of belonging. I quit my job and decided to commit 100% to this adventure. A while back I heard an interview with Sue Monk Kidd saying words that articulate this journey I did not know I had embarked on at that time. ‘A home sickness for your real home’.

For me that translated into finally coming back to live in the Country of my birth, South Africa.

What I learnt is that what brings us alive is what we should follow and that we will need a good dose of Courage.
The Courage = to Fail
The Courage to ask question’s, especially those questions you don’t think you should ask.
The Courage to set the intention and announce it cause that’s the only way to make it happen.

Maya Angelo said,
It only takes 3 things to be a write;
1) you gotta have something to say
2) you gotta have the ability to say it
3) you gotta have the courage to say it at all.

Thats the hardest one, not just the courage to voice ourselves but to find and share the truth of our soul and not the truth of what we think people want to hear.

It’s a paradox to get comfortable living with with the uncertainties. And I have to keep reminding myself and prompting myself to reconnect with this place of belonging that I feel within myself.

Remembering that what we pay attention to becomes our god.

Here’s a short 2min excerpt that I found of that interview online.

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The forest man

by Tanya Monteiro on 08/04/2014

A wonderful 16 min story of a man who is planting trees in order to save his island.

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Undress me

by Tanya Monteiro on 07/18/2014

Earlier this year there was a youtube video making it’s rounds with strangers meeting for the first time and kissing. Now the same producer has released one with strangers getting undressed and in to bed together.

I grew up feeling that I had to hide my body. Wearing clothes that covered me up totally, were mostly baggy or big for me and even though I was very aware of fashion I never showed off my figure let alone my flesh.

This type of video reminds me of what I’ve had to teach myself over and over again. We are ultimately all the same, yes, some colours, sizes, preferences might alter but when it comes down to being naked humans, we really are the same all over the world. As Joanne Wilson said in her blog post, this is some kind of Brilliant.

and incase you missed it, below is the video of strangers having a first kiss

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The High Cost of Keeping the Family Secret

by Tanya Monteiro on 07/08/2014

Weather you call it a secret or dirty laundry my guess is that almost all families have a little of this ‘tag line’ in their lives.

“In cases where the father, stepfather or other close family member is the abuser, what happens to the other family members in these situations?”

This is a question most prefer not to ask but in my case I’ve had no choice, it’s the core reason I did a little and not allot for a long long time. This article is so well articulated I had to share an expert of it. Finding words to express my feelings or thoughts has been one of the most challenging aspect to my life so far and till I can find a better way to describe this delicate core, I will continue to share others words to bring light where it needs to shine.

silence

‘Most “non-offending” parents will quickly tell you that they were unaware of any inappropriate sexual activity within the home. Is this the truth or do these non-offenders also slip into denial? Is it a coping style for them also? What is the purpose of denial in these family situations? How does one begin to break out of the darkness that is created by denial? These are all questions that I hope to answer in this article. 


Sadly, that burden is placed upon nearly every abuse victim. It is one of the commonalities of abuse. Most of us learn our lessons well and keep the secret for decades.

Group leaders helped me to see the truth in situations that I faced. I simply could not afford to run back into the safety of denial in order to keep my family happy. I had to keep pushing my way out of that darkness, no matter how my family chose to respond to me. I had to make the choice for myself. 



Emotions become shut down, no one really “feels” (to me this is the absolute core of abuse of any kind, we get so good at shutting off it can take a very very long time to reconnect with our own true feelings)

shhhhh

Denial allows abuse to continue passing from one generation to another until someone begins to find the courage and boldness to speak out

Coming out of denial can be quite traumatic. “At first the truth was shocking, but no one in my family denied it (the abuse). It’s not that they had knowledge of it before I spoke about it, but when they put the pieces together, it all made sense to them.”

The day and time we grew up in was so different than now. No one spoke openly about abuse of any kind and there were few treatment facilities available to help anyone who had suffered from this type of childhood. Society just wasn’t ready to deal with incest or any other type of sexual abuse, rape, and repeated molestation of its children. Fortunately, those days are gone. (We have come a long way, but we still have a very long way to go!) 



One of the main avenues I have used to break free from denial is right here before your eyes; the words on the page. I write and write and write.”

(And thank goodness Vicki Messer writes and writes and writes. Now I’m going to write a letter to her and say Thank you, every word counts.)

silence noise

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Show people your brain

by Tanya Monteiro on 07/07/2014

This commencement speech by Ellen DeGeneres made in 2009, came to me via a friend this week.

As I listened to Ellen (twice over) share a little about her own life and the tragedy that ignited a fire in her belly to write about what she would say in a phone call to god which was the first step in her first career I was struck, once again by her deep honesty, her humour and the humbleness with which she speaks.

No doubt her climb has been tough, reaching to ‘the top’ and then not being able to live with yourself because of the Shame and Fear inside is something I relate to. Then loosing it all and going from having her own sitcom to loosing that sitcom and not getting a phone call for any job for 3 years must have been a mini kind of hell in her mind. BUT, during that time Ellen was receiving letters from people saying how her telling her truth had saved them or changed them or helped them in some way and slowly she realised her purpose and made that her engine.

By loosing everything she learnt how to fuel her life from the inside out and mostly she learnt to live with integrity and without the shame and fear that caused so much pain before.

As I go through my own stages of honesty and face the fact that allot of my family would much rather “the family laundry” be kept to themselves, I hear real stories like this and it reconnects me with that place in my soul that know’s “dirty laundry” is so often the real truth and that it’s ok to be honest, to find that place within us that we know we need to shine a light on regardless of what others might think.

Ellen ends by saying “show people your brain”, I’d add that we can also show people our hearts and ultimately, I believe, when we do share from this place of transparency the connection we feel cannot be described only used as fuel to keep surviving and find ways to Thrive.

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Reforming Ourselves

by Tanya Monteiro on 06/25/2014

23 years ago this man killed someone, he was 17, a drug dealer, angry and he had a gun. 14 months prior to this event he’d been shot 3 times and after hospital was dropped off at home to heal.

No one hugged him, he had no counselling and no one said you will be ok.

In his 20 years in prison he got worse and finally found himself in 7.5 years in solitary confinement.

A letter from his son was his tipping point. Finally he was faced with only himself and realised he needed to take responsibility.

What helped in prison:
- he found mentors,
- he found literature,
- he found family
- he found writing

In 2010, after 2 decades in prison, he walked free into a new world of the internet and works today to help others believe that anyone can have transformation.

Being held hostage to your past does not have to define your life. (but it can)

Three things that transformed him:
- Acknowledged he hurt others and he was hurt.
- Apologised to the people he hurt, with no expectation of acceptance. Apologised to himself.
- Atonement, helping others and helping myself.

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Stories are the foundation of our identity yet how is it that so many of us are ashamed to share our stories?

As Andrew states in his TED talk below I too believe that we all seek meaning in our lives, and through meaning we build our identity. Yet, so often we are at war with ourselves around this “meaning” and sadder still, many of us don’t even realise we have a war going on within us.

We seek our identities at the wake of painful experiences, often finding our vocabulary through others stories.

“Go out and tell someone, if we live out loud we can get rid of the hatred and expend everyones lives.
Invite the world to share your JOY.”

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Powerful Shame

by Tanya Monteiro on 06/05/2014

More and more Facebook is turning out to be my “new blog”, Today I posted something that I intend on reading over and over cause, without a hesitation in my mind SHAME was by far the biggest lesson I got out of sharing my story, so far.

The most surprising part to me about SHAME is that very very few of us even realise it is driving our lives.

In the word of the incredible mind of Seth Godin

  • - Shame between individuals is corrosive, an ongoing toll on many relationships.
  • - We don’t like to talk about shame because the very idea of it is so overwhelming.
  • - But shame in the public sphere is fuel for the media, and it’s a significant contributor to maintaining or changing the cultural status quo.

To read the full article, click HERE

shame

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Anger is a Signal

by Tanya Monteiro on 05/17/2014

As always Brene Brown makes me take notice and think. Most often though she articulates complex thoughts that I have had into simple language on paper. Last week Brene wrote about a book called The dance of Anger. Having spent years trying to understand my own anger and slowly learning and realising that shutting myself off from feelings of pain, anger or fear just makes things worse I immediately wanted to know more about this book.

The only way is through the Anger

The only way is through the Anger

 

Including the four quotes that Brene used below:

“It is not fear that stops you from doing the brave and true thing in your daily life. Rather, the problem is avoidance. You want to feel comfortable so you avoid doing or saying the thing that will evoke fear and other difficult emotions. Avoidance will make you feel less vulnerable in the short run but, it will never make you less afraid.”

“Those of us who are locked into ineffective expressions of anger suffer as deeply as those of us who dare not get angry at all.”

 “Everyone freaks out. Sometimes the best we can do with fear is befriend it. Expect it and understand that fear will always reappear. Eventually it subsides. It will return. The real culprits are our knee jerk responses to fear and the way we try to avoid feeling fear, anxiety and shame. Don’t get me wrong, wanting to feel better fast is a perfectly natural human impulse. It is healthy to seek relief when you feel hopelessly mired in the emotional soup.”

“Calming down is an essential first step to accurately perceiving a problem and deciding what to do about it but the last thing you need to do is shut yourself off from fear and pain – either your own or the worlds. If there is one over riding reason why our world and relationships are in such a mess, is that we try to get rid of our anxiety, fear and shame as fast as possible, regardless of the long term consequences. In doing so, we blame and shame others and in countless ways, we unwittingly act against ourselves. We confuse our fear driven thoughts with what is right, best, necessary or true.”

Link to Brene Brown’s blog post is here

I also clicked through to the  interview with Harriet Lerner in Forbes Magazine.

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When Rabbit Howls by Truddi Chase

by Tanya Monteiro on 04/19/2014

Years and years ago a dear Aunt of mine recommended that I read the book called When Rabbit Howls. It took me a long time to get a copy and work my way through the book.

It’s the first written account by a patient with multiple personalities, prior to this book most written documents or books were produced by therapists.

Truddi Chase was sexually abused by her step farther from the age of 2 and it is also believed that Truddi was abused by her mother. To cope Truddi developed multiple personalities that she would later come to refer to as “The Troops” in her adult life.

The reason that Truddi called her book “when rabbit howls” is that Rabbits have no vocal cords so when they are killed they make a special sound, Truddi would hear this same sound when others, recalling their abuse, would screamed in Therapy.

The interview below was done with Oprah not long after Oprah shared her own story of abuse. I recall my own path to finding the feelings within myself and how watching video’s helped me a great deal in getting in touch with my own feelings.

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